43
by Tribeca
Summary: "Deleted" scene from 6.08. *complete*


**A/N: For those of you that don't watch the show anymore, Penny dropped the L bomb on Leonard in this episode (The 43 Peculiarity-6.08). Yep. Told him she loves him. It was painful. I knew it was coming but that knowledge didn't soften the blow. And to add insult to injury, there was ZERO interaction between Sheldon and Penny yet again. It's as if they exist in two different worlds, on two different shows. We know that we can't expect Sheldon to just throw her down and have his way with her but come on…they are friends, they have the best chemistry on the show and their scenes are what got so many of us hooked to begin with. ****Also, Sheldon's assistant Alex was back this week. She flirted with Leonard but it flew straight over his head. She sent him a text at the end of the show but he still didn't get her come on. Oh well. The Sheldon/Raj/Howard storyline was pretty funny, reminiscent of early seasons. **

**The writers continue to twist their evil little Shenny denying knife into my Shenny loving heart. _Hollywood sellouts, a story as old as time itself…what a bitch._**

**Jim Parsons needs to release the grip he has on my fan-girling heart so that I can properly quit this show. He was quite brilliant in this one. Love him. _Dammit._**

**Snorefest legal disclaimer: I don't own any part of The Big Bang Theory. zzzzzzz**

**This fic? I must have been smoking crack. I don't even know. There was absolutely nothing at all to work with. To quote Chuck Lorre's vanity card at the end of this episode: "I got nothin'." Pretty much sums it up, huh? Here's my nothin':**

43

Forty-three. No one but Doctor Sheldon Cooper knew what the number scrawled on the blackboard represented. He could recall when it was in single digits, but the number had steadily increased with the passage of time. Today it stood at forty-three. She had asked him about it through the years and a couple of times he'd come close to telling her. But something had always stopped him…that inexplicable thing in his brain that instinctively put logic and reason ahead of feelings and emotions. He rationalized that it was a built in defense mechanism that protected him from the inevitable chaos that went along with _love_. He found it fascinating that a tiny word could stir such fear within his mind, and good Lord, his _heart_. He shook his head, reminded of the fact that many people who knew him would place their hand on a Bible and swear before God and country that Sheldon Lee Cooper had no heart.

But he knew differently and he suspected that she did as well.

xxxxxxx

His roommate had just sent a group text to his three closest friends. It was bold letters, all caps and far too many exclamation points. Normally Sheldon would have responded to the text with biting criticism and a lesson on the proper usage of the written English language. But this time his only response was to catch the weight of his heavy head in his splayed palms, support himself with his elbows planted firmly on the cold hard surface of his desk and release a deep breath and try to maintain control of his emotions.

**PENNY TOLD ME SHE LOVES ME! SHE LOVES ME! ME!**

He had waited too long. Been too proud, too stubborn, too…_Sheldon_. Game, set, match and it was over. Leonard had won. Leonard had won her love. It had been six years. Six years. And what had he to show for those years? Many skirmishes with her, many quite moments when they exchanged knowing looks, many unspoken words, but nothing tangible. Nothing to indicate to her that something between the two of them was actually possible, that as slow as he'd have to move in a relationship, it was worth moving towards together if she could dare to want him. It was wrong on so many levels. Wasn't it?

xxxxxxx

It was 2:45 and he made his way down the hall to his private retreat. It was a small room, meant to be a tiny storage room for the janitor to use. But Sheldon had made a deal with the man years ago. For a small monthly "fee" Sheldon had exclusive use of the room. And there was only one other person on the planet who had a key to the room besides himself…

He slipped in, closing and locking the door behind him. The windowless room was dark but he liked it that way. He was surprised, but not very, when the soft glow of a cell phone lit the corner and cast billowy shadows against the walls.

"Why are you sitting in the dark?" he said, his voice gruff from holding back the sadness that had crept its way up his throat since receiving Leonard's text. He was thankful he had found and eliminated Howard's hidden webcam before he and Raj stumbled across evidence that Penny joined him here sometimes.

This was their hideaway that no one else knew about. They had been meeting here sporadically over the years. Sometimes to just sit and talk and sort out the day. Sometimes to share lunch. Sometimes to just be in the same room together, him on his laptop and her carrying on several different text conversations at the same time. Because sometimes they just needed to be together without having to explain to anyone why. And sometimes, they didn't know why themselves.

"I wanted to sit in the pitch black dark. It's what I deserve I guess."

"Would you prefer I leave?"

A soft, almost painful laugh, "No, I was waiting for you. I should be at work but my car just drove itself here of its own volition. And, well, here I am."

"I see," he said softly, walking towards the glow, sliding himself down the wall to sit beside her on the floor. He tugged his phone out of his pocket and opened it to the text that had broken his heart just moments earlier. He shoved it towards her and waited while she looked at it.

"Is it true?" he asked, his voice breaking against his words.

"It's true that I said it," came her reply, followed by a sigh.

"But is what you said really true?" he pushed.

She looped her arm though his and laid her head on his shoulder. He inhaled her scent and wished like hell he could change things. Wished he could turn back time. Like Superman, fly around the earth at speeds so great he could reverse the rotation of the planet, go back in time, make things different, make things…_right._

But he wasn't Superman. He was just a man. Just a man who had tired 43 times to tell this woman that he loved her. Forty-three times he'd almost begged her to help him, to show him, to wait for him to catch up. Forty-three times he'd failed to just tell her, deterred by his own arrogance, his own misgivings, his own unidentifiable fears.

Penny didn't know why she had said it. One minute she's screaming at Leonard that he had embarrassed her in front of her friend and the next minute she's saying she loves him. How fucked up was that? How fucked up was _she_? How fucked up were _they_?

"I thought if I said it it would make it true," she confessed.

"And did it?" he held his breath, the stabbing in his heart made him almost double over.

"No," she shook her head against his arm and he released the breath he'd been holding.

"Good," he pushed out, chills running the gamut of his skin.

She pulled back and squinted her eyes to see him. The room was starkly black now and there was no sight, only touch.

"Why Sheldon? Why is that good?" her voice was pleading, begging him to just say what they both knew he wanted to say, what they both knew he may never be able to say.

It was right there. The words he should have said so long ago. The words were lodged in his throat, stuck somewhere between his brain and his heart. He swallowed hard and scooted closer to her, stretching his long legs out and resting against the warmth generated by their bodies pressing so closely together.

They stayed that way as minutes ticked passed, her unanswered question hanging in the air between them. It had been there before and they both knew it would be there again.

"I can't quit living my life," she said finally, "I can't wait forever."

"But you've waited," he said quietly, ashamed that he didn't have the required social etiquette to proceed. The words he'd said to Raj and Howard banged like bongos inside his head.

"_You may not realize it but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. Understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want to. It's exhausting. Which is why, for 20 minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge."_

How fucked up was _he_?

"I need to go to work. I'm late." She released his arm and pushed herself to a standing position, touching her phone for light, then moving to the light switch and flipping it on. They both blinked as their eyes adjusted to the florescent that flooded the room.

"Penny?" He stood and faced her.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. You deserve better."

"I know. But _better _doesn't seem to be able to tell me what he feels. So I don't get _better_, instead I get Leonard."

There was so much he wanted to say but couldn't. His mind was too tired. And it was getting late. And time was passing by much too quickly.

She leaned forward and stretched up on her tiptoes and kissed him softly on his cheek, then placed her hand atop her kiss as if to press it more deeply into his skin.

"I did say it. But I didn't mean it. Well, I didn't mean it the way he _wants_ me to mean it. I just wanted him to stop being so insecure and desperate. Just so you know Sheldon," she whispered.

"Then maybe you shouldn't have said it."

"That may be true," the warmth of her breath tickled his face, "The man I want to say it to…and really mean it… isn't ready to hear it."

"So was it all the things you women want in a romantic setting? A nice meal, flowers, soft music in the background?" he shuddered at the thought.

He was surprised when she laughed, "No. Not even close. It was a hallway, a broken elevator and yelling."

He grinned as the verbal picture she painted took shape in his mind, "Very romantic."

"Yeah. Just what every girl hopes for."

"Maybe you'll get what you hope for one day."

"Maybe," she arched her eyebrows at him, then nodded towards the blackboard, "so you still not gonna tell me what the number means?"

"Maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I'll tell you lots of things."

She kissed him once more, this time on the lips, and he didn't try to stop her.

After she had gone, he grabbed a stick of chalk and scratched a loud, blunt line though the existing 43 on the board.

xxxxxxx

That evening Raj and Howard snuck down the corridor and jiggled the lock open. They released an audible gasp upon noting that the number they had been fixated on the entire week had been changed. It now stood at 44.

What the hell?

xxxxxxx

Leonard was in the shower when it all registered with him. Alex had been flirting with him. In the cafeteria. Later with her text message. Wasn't that just like life, he thought to himself. Penny finally tells him she loves him and now Sheldon's hot intern was coming on to him.

Hmmm, maybe before he got too tied down, before he made a total commitment to Penny, he'd have to consider doing something about Alex…


End file.
